(Link zur deutschen Version).
(英語版はこちら)
You've been dumped. They don't love you anymore; it's not the same; there's someone else. Whatever, it's over. Suddenly, you, who were just "okay" with your partner until that point, plunge into a state of passionate, deep, absolute love, only comparable to the pain of no longer being with them. Suddenly, that person becomes perfect; you can't live without them; it hurts to look forward and not see them with you (even worse, to imagine them with someone else); it hurts to look back, remembering moments that won't happen again or making others seem better than they were.
Everything around you makes it worse; memories flood back, or you're forced to think about what hurts the most. You hear a song they liked, or the lyrics say something you'd want to tell them; you watch a movie, read a book, and there's no romantic scene that doesn't break your heart; you walk down the street and see a happy couple and think, "What do they have that I can't?"
The prospects aren't good. You don't like anyone (no one but that person), or no one likes you; maybe you scare them away - pain is "smelled" - maybe your own negativity ruins the possibilities you might have. And even if you do have some success with someone else, it's still not with the one you want. Maybe the worst part of all is what others tell you when you're drowning them with your sorrows: "the world is full of wonderful people," "you'll find someone better," "they're missing out," "they don't deserve you," "the perfect person is waiting for you," and all the other well-meaning clichés that sound great but are useless to you. You don't care who's out there; you miss the one you've lost; you don't care how many fantastic people might be waiting if the only one you want isn't; you don't care about being "worth a lot" when you feel worthless without that special someone's validation. Without that person, nothing makes sense, nothing is worth it.
Your loved ones, trying to make you feel better or empathizing with your pain, tell you these things with good intentions, perhaps without realizing they're lying to you; the idea is to "soften the blow" until it passes, and if you fall for the deception, you might hold your pieces together until they heal with time. But deep down, you know none of it soothes you. Burying the pain deep only delays expelling it; if you don't vomit out the poison, you might never get rid of it entirely; so let's talk straight.
You'll get through this, but hell awaits you.
First off, you're not the first person on this planet to go through this, nor will you be the last. Not everyone experiences it, but most of us know what heartbreak is, and some have spent a long time, days, weeks, months, even years, at the limit of our suffering capacity. In my case, I have specific dates etched in my mind; I counted the days when I woke up each morning surprised (seriously) by not having died, thinking it was impossible for a human to survive another day like that. When I woke up the next morning, I'd tell myself, "It's incredible, I haven't died yet; but it's impossible I'll survive tomorrow like this." I was convinced I wouldn't get over it, but I did. And you will too. Because I have some good news and some bad news: you can get over this; you can fully recover - truly -; but the journey is hellish. If you think you've suffered so far, get it into your head that what's coming is probably much, much worse. Right now, your perceptions are distorted by inner emptiness and grief; you can't trust what your head tells you, let alone your heart.One day before you knew you'd be dumped, that person wasn't that amazing, wonderful, unique, superhuman, or magical. Did they suddenly become "extraterrestrial"? No. They were just as you saw them when you were together. You knew them. And you don't miss them as much as you think. Part of what you miss is the feeling of being loved; you miss the sensation of having someone, and the void of loss hurts (no matter who occupied that space before). But our instinctive impulse is to associate "void" with "the person who was there until yesterday."
It's a trap of our mind; we remember where to seek satisfaction for our needs, and that's where our nature first directs us; but don't fool yourself, you don't love that person more than you did yesterday when you were "okay without more." You don't miss them; you don't hurt from losing them; you hurt from the loss itself, from being left, from the void. How hard it is when someone doesn't love you, especially if you think they could because they did before.
Speaking of those two happy lovers you cross on the street, maybe it's not the first time you've seen them; maybe when you walked down the same street happy with your partner, you crossed paths with them alone, without noticing, and they thought exactly the same about you that you think about them today. The world works like this; we all go through very good and very bad moments, and those around you will be in a wonderful moment like yesterday or have their small disasters tomorrow. Remember that next time.
So, what's next?
"Your perfect partner is waiting." Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe in the future, someone appears; maybe not; if they come, they might resemble what you've known so far, or they might be completely different. But that doesn't matter; you have to get out of this, piece yourself back together, regain your self-esteem and control of your life, your happiness, your integrity, your present, and your future, regardless of who shows up or doesn't. Right now, you have a disease called heartbreak that's devastating, ravaging the heart and affecting the whole person; so first, you need to heal and fully recover, and then, when you no longer need someone to fill your gaps, we'll see if you stumble upon someone good enough for your demands - and you for theirs - or not.
But now there are more urgent things: just like when you have a physical illness, you need to undergo sometimes unpleasant treatment, heartbreak requires work that shortens the recovery process and greatly increases the chances of coming out of this with just a clean scar that reminds you of what you've been through but doesn't affect your future life at all. But a million times, you won't feel like it, so you'll have to force yourself.
You have to force yourself to be happy
It's about doing things you like, finding pleasurable activities, doing what you've always put off due to lack of time or desire but that attracted you. It sounds trivial, but you need discipline to be happy; especially when what you want is to sink deeper. Go to the movies, the beach, the park, join classes, learn something, read what you've had pending, do sports or play something fun... I don't know, make your personal list and follow it without allowing a moment for your mood to drop. If circumstances have dragged you down, at least everything you do should be to lift yourself up; if you feel bad and pain makes you regress, what depends on you, on your will, should only be things that help you move forward.The same goes for "invasive thoughts." Get it into your head that what you had is over; you won't be able to avoid sudden memories or thoughts, we're human, these things happen, but you can refuse to give in and sink. Try again and again to push out of your mind everything that looks back (what that person thought or thinks of you, what they do, what they said, what you hear about them) and strive your hardest to concentrate on building the new chapter of your life that starts now. This is especially hard when you still have contact with them or common friends, but whatever: I'm not telling you to become a robot and never fail, just to do everything you can and if bad things come from outside at least you're putting in the good from within. Do all you can, and if one day everything goes wrong, start over and try again; do what you have to do and be patient.
You see it's a constant struggle; even the good things will be hard for you... And on top of that, when you think you've made some progress, you'll have setbacks that make you think you've achieved nothing. One day you'll wake up with energy, something will make you laugh, you'll start to think that after all you'll be able to get over it, and at any moment any detail, a song, a comment, crossing paths with that person or a common friend, whatever, will knock you down again. Don't worry, keep doing your recovery work, and slowly, very little by little, it will become harder and less frequent for you to be knocked down, and you'll get back up faster each time. What do you expect? You're healing, that's how things are.
In that process, two particularly important circumstances might arise: you want to show that person that you're getting over it, and they want to come back.
In the first case: forget it. We have the temptation to "show" the other (or the mutual friend) that we're doing well, that we're getting over it, that we don't need them... That's looking back. Even if it's to tell them how well you're doing, you're thinking about "what they think of me"; get it into your head, that shouldn't interest you anymore. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, especially not to someone who willingly decided to walk out of your life; aren't you a couple anymore? Okay, then your private life and your feelings are none of their business. It's a big temptation and for a moment, we might feel good doing it, but in our recovery process, anything that gives importance to someone we want to stop caring about is an obstacle. Sure, you can't completely avoid thinking about it, but fight against it as much as you can: if you care, a lot or a little, about what someone thinks, it means they have influence over your mood - or your life. Look forward.
In the second case: think twice before deciding. Sometimes, if the one who left sees the other moving on without them, roles reverse, and they start - they think - to miss you; in reality, they don't love you more than before, they haven't magically fallen back in love with you because they've discovered you're different from the day before the breakup. It's just that they're now feeling the void and going through the same as you, their instinct makes them seek that "emotional nourishment" where they found it until now. You learn to love someone by getting to know them through contact, what you feel when that someone isn't there is different: emptiness. And more so when that person decided to continue their path without you: there was a reason - or someone - for that. So if they say they want to come back, the decision is yours; but remember, you need to recover your life without depending on anyone. Heal, rebuild yourself, and if from being "healthy" that person you know well has what you demand to be your partner again and you want to move forward, then do so. But remember why they think they feel what they say, and remember, they are not the cure for the pain: that medicine, you have to make on your own.
After such a long, hard road, with some ups and many downs (it might seem less hard now, but trust me, it will be), there will come a moment when you're finally free. You might not even notice, perhaps a bit later when you've been fully recovered for some time, and you say, "I've been feeling bad for a while"; but it will come. Now, will there be scars? Will you be able to start a new relationship as if nothing happened? Will you have doubts or mistrust? Can you really, completely get over this?
It all depends on you
Yes, you can heal and truly overcome it, but it depends a lot on you. It's like when you have a medical problem and rehabilitation is key to full recovery: it's easier to stay home or not do the exercises right, but if you do them well - and they hurt - you can return to 100% and in some cases even better thanks to the physical effort. By self-flagellating, pitying yourself, denying reality, fantasizing about the ideal partner coming to pull you out of the hole, there's a much higher chance you'll be "marked"; but by accepting things as they are, accepting that we're human and have to go through a "mourning" period no one can take away, by doing everything in our power to get up despite the weights pulling us down, we earn the near certainty that all we'll be left with is a good scar reminding us what we went through, perhaps even bothering us when the weather changes, and experience for the future. By the way, with recovery, you won't get a "vaccine" that prevents you from being dumped again; no one can guarantee the future. But you'll have much greater inner strength, more self-confidence and courage, and the assurance that you'll have more possibilities to overcome any other disaster that comes your way.So, if you've been dumped and you're in the dark, start moving. No one says it's easy to reach the exit; you'll get lost a thousand times when you think you were on the right track, but the end of the tunnel is there, and you have what it takes to reach it. One chapter of your life has ended, and the next one is waiting for you: decide how you want it to be and start working to build it.
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After I published the post (in Spanish) I got literally thousands of messages and comments, several webs and forums threads were open to talk about it and I got an amazing feedback from everyone; so a few years later I decided to publish the book going deeper into this and answering many common questions. Since then many of my readers have written to me asking for versions in other languages... Well, it has taken a long time (thanks so much to all the people helping translating) but now the book is in english too:
Here is the ebook version.
And here is the paperback version.
(Note: Amazon has local pages in different countries which have a shorter delivery time. That can be your option if you don't want to wait)
Thank you all, I hope this knowledge will help others as much as it helped me.
